Has anyone noticed that the word "Express" has come to mean "a smaller, crappier version of something that was not that good to start with"? Stick a scaled-down Taco Bell in a BP broom closet and you've got Taco Bell Express. Is the service any faster (motion implying italics aside)? No, my amigo, but you do get a smaller menu from which to make your selection, an item that will surely be wolfed at 65 mph with an 18 wheeler bearing down on you as you try to pick the lettuce from your lap with gasoline soaked fingers.  

As unappealing as this sounds, the Express (it's like fast food, but FASTER) restaurants are saviors to rock bands (and Truckers, presumably). When Watershed began touring, the best we could hope for in the way of after-gig food was Lunchables with a side of Combos. MMMM that's good eatin'. Of course when south of Columbus, those glorious golden blocks spelling WAFFLE HOUSE always beckoned. But when we ventured north, we snapped into Slim Jims (Incidentally, Livingston Ave. in Columbus, OH is the true Mason-Dixon Line, but that story is for another time). 

New England is the worst for late nite (after 12am you must spell "night" as "nite") food. I don't think anyone eats after 10pm. You can't even find Denny's, the lowest of the low. Southerners, however, know the pleasure of a huge meal after a nite of partying rather hearty. They want a big, fatty breakfast, and they know where to get it. The Waffle House. The world's leading seller of Waffles. The home of Walt's Vegetable Soup and Bert's Chili. The waitresses don't know who Walt and Bert are, but then again, maybe they're just too tired of dealing with drunks to tell me. I wonder if the waitresses get tired of smug Northerners like me pouring 25 quarters into the jukebox so I can hear the Waffle House theme song 25 times. Hell, I wonder if we're all smug Northerners and if actual Southern folk never go to the Waffle House the way Las Vegasites stay away from the Strip. Then again, sometimes there are 2 Waffle Houses per exit, both jam-packed. And just how many smug Northerners can there be in Pickens County, Georgia?  

PRESENTING THE AWARDS FOR HIGHWAY FOOD (a.k.a. The SPAMMYS)
Brought to you by Tagamet 

And the Best Late Nite Highway Food Destination (no wait staff, gas available) the Spammy goes to: PILOT 

The Best Late Nite Highway Food Destination (w/wait staff, North):
STEAK AND SHAKE 

The Best Late Nite Highway Food Destination  (w/wait staff, South):
WAFFLE HOUSE 

The Strangest Highway Food Destination:
SHEETZ (It's from some parallel universe where all the brands are almost familiar, but everything is just slightly off.  "The Big Mick", "The EL Train" Sandwiches, stuff like that.)

Next Time: Was Keith Moon reincarnated as a short order cook?