I've sat through many bad movies. They usually go in one eye and out the other without a second thought. But few are so insulting that they actually piss me off. I saw M. Night Shyamalan's The Village last night, and I was still mad when I woke up this morning.

THIS IS YOUR ONLY WARNING:
If you haven't seen M. Night Shyamalan's The Village yet, but want to, do not read any further; it WILL be ruined for you. If you've seen it or want to save eight bucks, read away...

Sometime in the 1970's, a group of adults in their thirties decide the world is a terrible place, so they hide away in a nature reserve and start a new community. As the original group (from here on out, referred to as "the Elders") have children, they tell them stories of monsters in the woods that will kill them if they leave The Village. The color red is not allowed; it is "the bad color" that "those who we never speak of" don't like. They made Scooby-Doo-like costumes - part man, part porcupine, part Little Red Riding Hood, and they play dress-up when they find out someone has gone past the perimeter.

Making this idea into a story is the love triangle between Joaquin Phoenix, Ron Howard's daughter, and the village idiot, who assists in the monster dress-up. Joaquin and Ron Howard's daughter are getting married. The idiot stabs Joaquin severely enough that he won't make it without "medicines" from "the Towns." The Elders decide Ron Howard's Daughter will go through the woods to get medicines. Since she is blind, she won't see what a hundred years of industry has brought forth. (more on that later)

Using terror or fear as a tool of manipulation is an interesting aspect. One could make all sorts of post-9/11 and religious connections, but who can enjoy an interesting idea when it's wrapped in so much shit?

Shyamalan's is intentionally vague (He always has been, and it's worked for him before.), but being vague doesn't mean you're suspenseful. There is a difference between curiosity and being held in suspense. I'm curious if the Road Rulers are going to succeed in their mission, but I really don't care. But, I was in suspense with what happened with the boy and his shrink in The 6th Sense because I was interested. And I didn't feel that I was being jerked around.

A quick word about the "blind" girl, first. Was she supposed to be totally blind or able to see a little? ("I can see differently." "I can see your color.") For the first part of the movie, it seemed she could see a little, or had some sort of extra sensory perception. Then, when she got into the woods, she was blind as a bat.

Shyamalan's use of overdubbing to infer a twist or fake suspense is also infuriating. OK, we now know there are no monsters, and Blindy McCan't-See-Unless-It-Makes-For-A-Supernatural-Element is told before she leaves for the Towns. I'm watching and wondering why am I watching her stagger through the woods, then I hear the Elder say in a voice-over from a conversation not 10 minutes earlier, "There were legends that the woods really had beasts." (or some crap like that). Now, all of a sudden there's a monster (who is really the village idiot dressed up). You can't have it both ways, jerk. The only reason to have that even mentioned is to mislead the audience into a fake chill. ["He never got out of the cock-a-doodie car!"]. Also, there is no point to have someone dress up as a monster at the point. Why? Because she's FUCKING BLIND! She can't tell what the person looks like who's trying to kill her. It purely for the audience.

Thankfully, she is able to kill the monster and reaches the hidden road the Elder spoke of. "You will come to a hidden road," the voice over continues. "It will lead you to the Towns." Look, I may not have the greatest attention span, but I can remember a scene from fifteen minutes ago, and why are you over-dubbing directions?!

Nothing is left for people digest after seeing a movie. Everything is spelled out in movies anymore. It's like the moviemakers feel they have to sit us down like a fucking child to explain why the group of villagers haven't been discovered yet. Insult to injury, it's Shyamalan playing the park ranger who breaks us down this time. "I like it quiet. You know the headache I had keeping our airspace clear. I like it quiet." Fuck. At least when Hitchcock placed himself in his own movies, he didn't delude himself into thinking he's was an actor.

Now, for the biggest problem I have with M. Night Shyamalan's The Village: So it's the 70's and a bunch of loopies set up camp in a natural reserve (which is ridiculous that were never discovered, regardless of what the ranger says). Why do the Elders decide to talk like 19th century puritans? They could have talked jive, or whatever it was they talked in the 70's. Why go through the trouble of rolling back the years (the tombstone at the beginning said it was 1897) and talking like Yoda if not to mislead the audience? ["He never got out of the cock-a-doodie car!"] If these people raised their kids speaking normally, keeping in time with the rest of the world, their children wouldn't have known any different. They would have accepted the fact that this is how life is. They wouldn't instinctively ask one day, "Hey, it's 2004. Shouldn't our society be more advanced by now?" The kids would still have the fear, taught to them by their parents, of the monsters in the woods. All that other crap was to keep the audience out of a current time frame, and therefore maintain interest.

Maybe the story should have been what happens when the Elders start to die off and they have to pass their secret down. Would their offspring keep the utopia alive, or venture out into the real world? If they ventured out, it could have been the next Crocodile Dundee or Witness. Or Road Trip.

Anyway, there are a few other nit-picking points that I'd get into (Why do they have the village idiot helping with monster duty? Why did Deputy Ranger not think it's strange that Ron Howard's daughter lived in the reserve and help her go back without saying a word to anyone?), but, frankly, I'm tired and I don't want to type much more.

Just let me say that The 6th Sense and Unbreakable are incredible. With Signs and now M. Night Shyamalan's The Village, I believe he is filming by numbers. I hope he turns it around, but if M. Night Shyamalan's The Village makes a Signs or 6th Sense profit, I can't imagine he'll change any time soon.


PS: Kevin Spacey is Keyser Soze, Brad Pitt and Edward Norton are the same person, and Gary Sinise is in on the kidnapping.