FRIES LIBERATED FROM FRENCH CAPTORS
Cheese For Some, Ketchup For All

LONDON, ENGLAND - Slivers of Spud, having withstood over 163 years of oppression under French captivity, danced in the scalding sanctity of the Fryers of Freedom yesterday afternoon after a daring U.S. rescue mission just outside Paris.

"Those Nancy Frenchalots were no match against our brute swagger," mission
leader Sergeant Kip Stryker boasted at the military outpost in London. "A few of our men were slowed by stale baguette crumbs getting in their eyes, but one man's ingenuity prevailed."

Private Paul "Dickey" Johnson aided the fallen by dousing the men's eyes with water to soften the shards of bread. "He'll surly get a medal for this one, by God!" said Stryker.

Regardless of how the U.S. mission was criticized by those at home and abroad, the Fries hail Sergeant Stryker and his Company as heroes.

"It is amazing," said one of the freed fries, who wished to remain unnamed, fearing for the safety of its Yam relatives still being held in Cannes. "No matter your Fry ethnicity - Curly, Steak, Wavy, Seasoned, or Traditional - there are people in the world who can see past that and accept you for you."

"The Liberal Media and those Nancy Peacealots back home can say what they want," belted Stryker as he poked this reporter in the chest with his finger. "This mission was not about perfume, and it was not about wine. It was about freeing the Fries, to show them that you can go through life without fear of being dipped in mayonnaise. Or worse."

Tater torment at the hands of the French went beyond the condiment stand. "The images will forever play in my brain." Private Donald Conway confirmed
the rumors of Fry structures and stacking. "Fries were fused together with a spicy Ranch-like sauce to create a miniature Eiffel Tower. The Louvre.

"The worst of it was the room of stacked fries. Rows and rows, stacked tens of inches high. I've seen Onion Rings stacked like that before, but this was just... unnatural."

Sgt. Stryker sees this victory as just the beginning. "Now, people know the truth. The tyranny does exist, and we can do something about it. We should no longer turn a blind eye.

Mark my words, the next time you hear the name Sergeant Kip "Kippers" Stryker and the Alpha-One Commando Squad, we'll be going back for the Toast!"

the next WC article...